Here's to Love

To life. To hope. To peace.

Pain lasts only a while. When you find the source of the pain, your whole life changes for the better. 

I had lost all hope. Hope in humanity. Hope in the ability of people to give selflessly. I know I hurt so many people, and it was in retaliation to the hurt I had inside.

Hurt that comes from never feeling unconditionally loved by anyone other than my Jesus. Being mad at God. Feeling totally drained. Feeling attacked. Feeling like my own friends were never willing to sacrifice for me what I was willing to sacrifice for strangers. Feeling like I could never even ASK for what I needed. And not wanting to look 'high and mighty' for thinking these things. But they were/are real. And once I could verbalize them, I realized that there really ARE people out there willing to go the distance. People who love to serve and love and KNOW that they might get hurt along the way, but serve anyway. People that I understand, and people that love me right back.

strangers that literally loved me SO MUCH, so tightly, that I had no choice but to heal...even when I wanted to run away.

Faith moves mountains....

I hurt so many people. And I'm sorry.

But when you give, you do eventually get back. I am so blessed!!!

Incredible

How understanding changes your world.

I may not be able to change it, but at least I 'get' it. And that is so incredible!

There is incredible good in this. In me. In this world. And I finally understand why others don't 'get' it.

Celebration. I love Africa.

On an unrelated note:
Inspired by the work of our transplant surgeon at my work, I have decided to join the humanitarian donor crowd. Join me as I start this journey to become one of Iowa's only so-called 'altruistic living liver donors', and I hope you will consider donating LIFE as well. There are so many people in need and we have the power to save them! Get involved. Get active. Get going. Stop 'thinking' and start 'doing'. Abandon safety and fear of getting hurt. Love recklessly.

It starts with us.

What a difference a year makes,

It has been, like, forever since I've posted here. I've nearly forgotten about this blog.
Well...not really.
Honestly, I just didn't know what to write.
My pain was so much greater than I had words for, and even greater than I could understand.

I look back at where I was a year ago and think:
"Wow."
And I have no other words for it. Just wow.

I went from satire to comedy,
childless to a 'mother',
a college student to....well, a college student in a different setting, haha.
An eating-disordered 21-year old who worried so much about her own problems that I could not see focusing on them was hurting me...
And those around me.
(I dealt with my inner demons, but I also learned that when you wallow in your issues, you make them worse).
I'm still trying to make right my wrongs.
To fill the final voids in my life where people used to be. And should be.

Now my days are work and homework.
Inching towards starting a non-profit.
Patients admitted, patients discharged.
People dying. People laughing. People thanking. People throwing...
(Gee, I would just LOVE it if you would throw your bed pan at me because you are unhappy. Thanks ;)

From chasing myself to chasing new friendships...and old.
A small town to a large city.
Caring for myself versus Barbies and lullabies, life lessons and "I want to wear my purple dress today! And my sparkle shoes! And my necklace! And my pink hair bow!"
She twirls around saying "Don't I look pretty?"
I'm exhausted, but I can't help but smile. 
I never thought I could love someone so much!
And yet, my God loves her so much more than even I.

I realized that if I was truly going to claim I love & forgive people like Jesus does, I have to start living like it.
Action>Inaction.
Forgiveness won.
I made friends with the kid who raped me when I was 15 (I never told anyone).

I discovered that when you really love everyone, sometimes you get hurt.
People don't understand you.
But you take the hurt that loving the world brings, rely on those who lift you up.
And love anyway.

Compassion comes from the Latin 'cum passio' meaning 'with suffering.
With suffering, Christ loved me; with suffering I care for others.

I went from discord in my soul caused by a nation that values independence over community.
From someone who thought she disliked people
To someone who rebuilt her trust in humanity and loves all.
From a closed off heart to heart-on-my-sleeve
Receptive. Honest. Open.

To ubuntu. To friends who live ubuntu.
It's from going to not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel
To knowing the light is always there.
HERE'S TO HOPE.

~~~~~
Also, check out my blog from my travels in Africa. I am just starting to get them uploaded to Blogger although I returned to the States in September...;). I hope to return to Tanzania with Sheri Krumm and represent Empower Tanzania again later this year.

http://theadventuresofkindrainafrica.blogspot.com/

Utter loss of words

How dare you say that you understand who I am when you are fixated on who I have been? When you haven't been around to know? How dare you tell me what love is and what love isn't without giving me time to explain to you where I went wrong? My heart is still my heart. Beautiful. Unique. Filled with love you don't understand. Twisted by my struggles. How dare you claim to know what I've been through, what I know, what I understand or do not? What's shocked me. What I've learned. Because my real reaction is forever hidden from you. And you'll never understand why. You've not truly seen; you've not truly looked. How dare you claim things that you don't know? Because my heart aches to tell you you are wrong. You are so wrong. You see the tip of the iceberg, not what lies beneath. What anger, what sadness. Misinformed on another friend, attacking what isn't there. I draw further away from you. And yet, your grandfather dies and I long to comfort you. Your friend, I sob for Because my soul comprehends what it is like. But you don't see, you don't hear. You're blinded by anger and expectations, and I'm the mouse on your never-ending wheel. Tears stream because I am out of ideas because you'll never open your eyes. Book- you see black and white. Book- I see grey. Each time you shut down further, so did I. No communication= no chance in my heart. You shut down the only pathway my heart had to healing in regards to you. Who pities who? I'm lost in a river of sadness I dare not continue to paddle in. I'll drown and be lost forever. I must move on live in the truth & the hope & the life even if you will not. I must go. I must be long, long gone. (But I still love you, and I still miss you). I must follow His lead. Goodbye.

In His hands

Lord, help me to trust in You.
In the prayer that was given for me just two weekends ago,
My new friend held me tight.
She offered a prayer so deeply moving I could literally feel You moving in the rain.
She spoke of the image of a hand, Your hand, holding me.
She told me that however many times I tried to jump from Your hand, run from it, deny Your name, whatever else a human could do,
You would still be there.
STILL BE THERE!
Her timing was perfect, and so was Yours.

10,000 times I've run,
100,000 more I will again.
And each time, You come at me with the same amount of forgiveness and mercy.
Grace, healing, acceptance, LOVE.
This is too great for me to fathom!
Help me to afford this to others as You have done for me.
Help me to let go of the past and give new life each time, as you have done for me.

Forgive, trust, hope, love,
Grace unending.
And unending, and unending, and unending.
Forever.
10,000 times.

In spite of all you still don't understand

I still forgive.
Still, still, still.
I still afford you trust and love and kindness.
And grace and mercy and everything I have.
I want you to see me grow!

Lord God, please give me strength. More strength than I've ever asked for before.
Matched only by what I asked for in 2005.
For five and a half years I asked for strength, for hope, for forgiveness and peace.
When it finally came, it set me free.
How wonderful that day was!
I cried out with joy; my heart was made new.
So why now, Lord, must I sit here crying out with all I have?
If you told me you would burst forth & reveal so strongly that it would 'rattle [another's] bones, why do I hurt worse than ever before?

Like an amputation.
A great loss.
Oddly, painfully, hauntingly familiar.
"Welcome to February 17th, 2005- The Sequel!"
Or so it feels.
The sequel is every bit as horrible as the original.
I want to destroy this movie.

I trust You, I trust You...

It's unsettling

When you discover what you thought about someone isn't exactly true.
You forgive, forgive, accept their explanation of "I'm just not that way". And that satisfies you.

Then you find out the truth:
That's not how I am [towards you].
Defensiveness, excuses.
Things you do to help and go above and beyond the call of duty get thrown back in your face.
You feel like you're the only one admitting to your flaws as you watch them dance around theirs.
It's not the people in their life, its that they treat those people with more respect and love and genuineness than they do you.
It's heartbreaking.
But all they have to offer is defensiveness, excuses.

You forgive, you forgive, you realize people aren't always congruent with what they say they are. Part of being human. But when it gets to the point where not possessing the qualities they claim happens more often than not, you see people for who they really are.

Grief.
Grief.
But perhaps, then, you grieve for someone that never really existed in the first place.