In His hands

Lord, help me to trust in You.
In the prayer that was given for me just two weekends ago,
My new friend held me tight.
She offered a prayer so deeply moving I could literally feel You moving in the rain.
She spoke of the image of a hand, Your hand, holding me.
She told me that however many times I tried to jump from Your hand, run from it, deny Your name, whatever else a human could do,
You would still be there.
STILL BE THERE!
Her timing was perfect, and so was Yours.

10,000 times I've run,
100,000 more I will again.
And each time, You come at me with the same amount of forgiveness and mercy.
Grace, healing, acceptance, LOVE.
This is too great for me to fathom!
Help me to afford this to others as You have done for me.
Help me to let go of the past and give new life each time, as you have done for me.

Forgive, trust, hope, love,
Grace unending.
And unending, and unending, and unending.
Forever.
10,000 times.

In spite of all you still don't understand

I still forgive.
Still, still, still.
I still afford you trust and love and kindness.
And grace and mercy and everything I have.
I want you to see me grow!

Lord God, please give me strength. More strength than I've ever asked for before.
Matched only by what I asked for in 2005.
For five and a half years I asked for strength, for hope, for forgiveness and peace.
When it finally came, it set me free.
How wonderful that day was!
I cried out with joy; my heart was made new.
So why now, Lord, must I sit here crying out with all I have?
If you told me you would burst forth & reveal so strongly that it would 'rattle [another's] bones, why do I hurt worse than ever before?

Like an amputation.
A great loss.
Oddly, painfully, hauntingly familiar.
"Welcome to February 17th, 2005- The Sequel!"
Or so it feels.
The sequel is every bit as horrible as the original.
I want to destroy this movie.

I trust You, I trust You...

It's unsettling

When you discover what you thought about someone isn't exactly true.
You forgive, forgive, accept their explanation of "I'm just not that way". And that satisfies you.

Then you find out the truth:
That's not how I am [towards you].
Defensiveness, excuses.
Things you do to help and go above and beyond the call of duty get thrown back in your face.
You feel like you're the only one admitting to your flaws as you watch them dance around theirs.
It's not the people in their life, its that they treat those people with more respect and love and genuineness than they do you.
It's heartbreaking.
But all they have to offer is defensiveness, excuses.

You forgive, you forgive, you realize people aren't always congruent with what they say they are. Part of being human. But when it gets to the point where not possessing the qualities they claim happens more often than not, you see people for who they really are.

Grief.
Grief.
But perhaps, then, you grieve for someone that never really existed in the first place.

Yep.

Ah, to be understood

To be loved for who you are.

The pot is calling the kettle black.
I wish you understood that I work very differently from you.
I listen to my friends give other explanations and wish you could hear their earnest thoughts.
You dont realize that your own insecurities affect how you see mine.
You need so much to be your own person that your actions have raised eyebrows.
This whole thing...is not just about me.

I've always believed at some point that you have to just not care what some folks think. I just never wanted to have to draw this line with you...but who knows my own heart better than me?

The people who truly know it encourage it. They praise when you criticize. They nod in agreeance while you shake your head in disapproval. The only people you have to show are those who do not know. You can think what you want and that's fine. I will still value you for the many other things that you do! But who did you think I would listen to?

Your choice is to accept the differences or continue to harp.

I seek to know and you won't share. Give it a chance or of course every thought will be tainted. I've grown weary of fighting for things I shouldn't have to fight for.

Let me do me and quit trying to change it. I made that mistake with you once. You shouldn't have to.

I still love you.

You have no idea

The joy I feel when I see how far you've come.
When I hear you're doing well.
There's nothing better I could've asked for, my dear.
And I know you see the love we have for you.
You have at least three friends who think the world of you, as odd as a bunch we may be.
The professor, the other doctor, the mother.
We wanted and still want the very best for you.
Keep going, sweets
Because no words I could ever say to you express the elation I feel for you right now.

When you think "this is better", I whisper under my breathe "it's not enough"
It hurts to have to give in,
To feel unfulfilled, to miss.
But that's what I do, ya know? Sometimes, that's what loves does...
Give in. Even when its not your ideal.
But I cultivate what else I have, that which I love.
And there is soooo much that I love, whom I love.
And whatever else I don't, I try to smile anyway, because I know soon it'll be gone.
It'll all be gone.
And I don't have time for interruptions and regrets.
I am split in thought between knowing the things I will always hold,
And knowing that I'm all I will ever have, in the end.

So I turn around and around trying to fill my cup
Until this world stops spinning around.
Until I find what I'm searching for,
Whatever form it may come in.
Learning, trying, starting, ending.
Learning, growing, leaving, catching.
Loving. Yes, most of all, loving.

Misunderstanding

sucks.
Don't close off.
Just talk to me.
You say things about me that have little merit.
You are judging when you claim that's what you hate most.
Look at yourself.
Don't close off.
Just talk to me.
And actually listen.
I may not always agree with you, but it doesn't mean I didn't hear you.
I'm not always right,
But that doesn't always mean you were ever right in the first place.
Listen to me.

There's a point where you realize

That sometimes you have to break the rules.
And I'm glad that we did.
For if we hadn't,
I'm not sure you would be here today.
Now I'm set to be in your wedding.
Tears fill my eyes.
I smile.
No matter what I have to defend, here is my example,
Here is my answer when you will ask:
In the end it was worth everything.

Thorns can turn to roses

Reversed like patterned antique lace.
Like ribbon that turns and weaves and winds in all directions
Chaotic at times and jagged at the edges
Until it all comes back together again.

In the end, we are who we are.
Like what we like, dislike what we dislike.
Don't force things about yourself unless you really, really want to be a certain way.
It's as simple as that.

It is only You that knows.
And who You are and what You have planned is far greater than I can ever imagine.
Help me to trust you with all I have.

Tomorrow

It'll have been 6 years.

I could say my heart hurts, because it does.
But that doesn't come close,
And I've stopped trying to explain,
To outwardly say...
Because I can't.
And nobody knows except us.
In the end, you are where you have been for the past 6 years.
And that is in me.

So today, I have no words.
Only love.
Lots and lots of love
And I know there are giggles buried underneath all the other crap,
I remember them.
Just as I always have.
Just as I always will.
Love you, Butterfly.

My list

One of the greatest things I believe in is giving back.
It comes from my very soul; the Lord has put it there and I cherish it deeply!
"As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace"- 1 Peter 4:10.
Be strong in the Lord, for He is good.
And He wants to do good THROUGH you.

So I made a list of all the things I am doing and some I still have planned that give back.

1.) Traveling to Tanzania in the fall of 2012 to help build/start a hospital (probably my favorite of the list)
2.) While it is my job, I play a role in helping children learn and grow in who they are at the local daycare. I swear, with over 30 two-year-olds present some days, that job is really one part 'teacher' and one part 'mother'
3.) This coming summer, I am blessed to have been asked to be a mentor to the college students leading a high school leadership institute. Basically, I am a mentor to the mentors (ok, how cool is that???)
4.) I want to foster a child.
5.) I want to adopt from an impoverished country.
6.) I have sponsored a child in Africa.
7.) I want to start an orphanage in Africa at some point in my life.
8.) I have volunteered at a hospital.
9.) I worked with the Chrysalis Foundation to help develop leadership skills in high school students.
10.) I chose my career because the very nature of it allows me to help others.
11.) I plan to work with the American Red Cross as a volunteer medical practitioner to help in the event of a disaster.
12.) When I have kids, I believe in the importance of volunteering in their classrooms.
13.) I also think volunteering at church is important. Maybe I will be one of those people that visits the elderly at home. I love the smiles on their faces...it just makes their day.

What do you think? Can you do better? I challenge you to one up me. I hope you can!

Royal Model Management

Quite literally owned my life for several years. I spent every weekend in Chicago, training, prepping, perfecting. I wouldn't trade those times or the people I met for anything! Finally, after months upon months of hard work we boarded a plane for our long-awaited trip to LA,only to get stranded at the airport, then flown to Texas for the night without our luggage, and ended up finally arriving in LA the morning of opening ceremonies(talk about stress!). That afternoon I had my first event, along with several other representatives of our agency. While I can't remember specifically what acting event it was, we had to perform well despite the chaos of the morning, despite the craziness....in front of over 3,000 people. Including top talent agents from all over the world. I remember being scared out of my mind, panicky with doubt & anticipation. Was I going to be good enough? How were we to perform well when inside we were still scrambling for our footing? I remember one of my coaches, Mr. Mattix, grabbing me by the shoulder and spinning me around. Staring into my eyes, a quiet grin emerged from the corners of his mouth. "Did you come all this way, do all this work, to let some people you tell YOU how good YOU are, who YOU are?"

This struck me.

Here is this guy who it's his whole job to make me look good for these people, and he's telling me to hell with what they say?

But then I realized, it's not about impressing them. They don't have the power...we do. Without us, they can't do THEIR jobs. Without us, they are pretty much just watching Masterpiece Theatre. So be strong in who you are, what you believe, what you do. Whoever likes it will like it, whoever doesn't...well...won't. Take it or leave it. Flaws and raw and all. Just be you.

I recited one of Mr. Mattix's favorite quotes in my head as I now stepped onto the stage with confidence...

All your life you are told the things you cannot do.
All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough.
They will say you're wrong to do this, to act like this, to achieve this.
THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless.
All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly.
AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES.

The most beautiful things

Come from Heaven,
Not from a store.

2009- "I wish he would marry me..."
2010- "Will you be in my wedding?"
2011- "Our twins are here!"

You're our superhero.
We love you!

Some things

Are better left unsaid.
What others don't know
Doesn't hurt them.

Sometimes I need to learn to...
Turn off the light
Don't make a sound
Shut out the cricket
Erase.
Or at least pretend to.

Because all that comes from sharing
Is having someone else get hurt
...because of me
And that look they get, that look that twists and turns
Makes me regret having said anything in the first place

So I do what I always do...
Turn off the light
Don't make a sound
Shut out the cricket
Erase
Hush
And fight with my own sword
Rather than burdening another's
Because of all things I hate, its selfishness
It's making someone fend for what you can do yourself
Without dragging them into the mess
The shrapnel

Sometimes it really is best to speak of butterflies
When you see storm clouds and lightning
Because hey, it makes life easier for them at least
It should be that way for someone
Even if its not me
Sometimes, that's my gift, you see
Having you not have to deal with me
So at least you can live in peace

Hush little baby,
Don't say a word
Go chase your own mockingbird.

I love discussions with my roommates

Tonight we were talking about independence.
One of the girls said she feels guilty asking her parents for money to buy pizza, because she is capable of working more.
(Dear Lord, she sounds like me!)
And it's true, we are big girls now.
In this house, we fight for and earn.
We are not handed.
We buy our own food, do our dishes, clean our house, pay our bills.
We don't call home when something goes wrong;
We figure it out ourselves.
And we are proud of it.
I dislike this society that says it's alright for someone over the age of 18 to continue to leech off of their parents.
(And I'm not saying any of us are particularly good at this,
Because we still have much to learn too.)
Anywhere else in the world, this would be unacceptable.
Why do we continue to pretend we aren't capable?
God gave us hands to work.

Climb the ladder...
Step it up a bit.
How many times does the Bible emphasize the importance of hard work?
I'd say plenty.
Let's go!

Life

Is sometimes raging like a river,
Swift as the wind blowing through the trees,
Crazy as a sandstorm,
Or, sometimes, just sometimes...
It's calm like the sea.

Right now, it's calm.
Some of that is due to choices that I'm very glad I made
Because I couldn't do it anymore.
And I'm thankful for what I realized I've always had:
Love. Family. Friends who I talk to almost every day who are like family.
A special other to cherish.
A drive like a freight train.
A future.
A bright, bright future.

So hold fast the positive.
What will always be there.
What is who you are.
Purge what doesn't fit you.
Purge it. And run far, far away from it.
Learn from what is presented to you.
And discover what you were born to do,
Because that will change how you see...literally...everything.

We deserve to enjoy life.
So when the waters are serene, enjoy them!
Because there will always be more storms.
And we must always know how to ready our sails.
Keep going even when you can't see the light!

In the end, we are all just trying to get through this world while leaving a legacy to be admired.

Over Break

I have realized the multitude of friends I really have.
I have further clarified what really matters.
I have realized a lot of Christians leave a lot to be desired.
The difference between them & me is that I will admit it.
For example, some may say they respect other religions, and yet are violently against building a mosque on Ground Zero (an area already home to several churches and one mosque). What have we become? Is it really any surprise why Christians are sometimes hated? We are asking for it.

Well I have decided I am done dealing with people that are only concerned with looking perfect.

So here are my confessions:
Sometimes I curse like a sailor.
I don't think lying is always bad.
There are people that I do not particularly like.
I don't do everything right.
I make quick decisions (but actually don't often regret them)
I am opinionated (although many people tell me they admire this quality.)
If I believe in something, I fight like hell for it.
I have done things that I do not particularly care to post on a blog, and you wouldn't particularly want to read them.
I have little tolerance for underachievers.
I can be as high-strung as a New Yorker.

I'm not perfect. And ya know what?...I don't need to be. I also don't need to be around people who are trying to be. Or at least...put up that front.
God loves me. I love Him. He is absolutely extraordinary and has blessed me in ways I do not deserve.
Doesn't mean I always obey everything He says, even if He knows best.
No one does.

But you know what? I do have good qualities.
If I love you, I will give you absolutely anything.
I believe everyone should give back.
I truly grasp the fact that life is not about me. I am a good person and I do what I do for the sake of it alone. I don't need to showcase it.
I am very mature for my age...and honestly, older people really appreciate it.
When asked to describe me, my high school principal said "Kindra is both the embodiment of a strong woman and the one of the sweetest people you've ever known." I really, really hope I can actually live up to that. Thanks, bud.
I KNOW am going to be a great mom and wife.

I'm not a saint, but a sinner just trying to do a little good in this world.
I love who I love and love what I love...simply because that's what comes from inside me, not because I am trying to be someone I am not.

It's kinda funny

How when you giggle, every negative thought goes away.

I have been able to read you books, cook you meals, play dress up, take you to play, and put you to bed at night.
And no matter how tired I am at the end of the day, I feel more whole inside than I ever have.
Like everything that was missing is fast asleep, clutching her dolly.
If I go out at night and leave you at home, I only sit and wonder how you are doing.
Guess I've officially joined the crowd.

I've found the start of the next few decades of my life :)

I love you baby girl!

Not to be negative,

But sometimes, a woman needs to rant.
You need to get your act together, because they are special.

Over the years, she has made a lot of decisions.
Sometimes she has not chosen how I personally would have.
But low and behold, there she always goes, taking the world by surprise and proving them and me wrong again.
She is one of my best friends, and I am incomprehensibly proud of who she is,
For everything that she is.
This girl came from nothing and made herself something. A lot lot of something.
She could have very easily taken an easier route, slid through life doing less.
Instead, she shoots for the stars...and reaches beyond them.

I feel like I cut people (especially you) more slack than they sometimes deserve, but, see, there are three things I cannot stand in people, three things I refuse to budge on, three things that make my very soul cringe...

1. People who act younger than their age/ push off responsibility.
2. People who do the bare minimum.
3. People who think the world revolves around them/center-of-attention types

Guess what...you fit all of those categories.
(probably explains why she's sick of you).

She fights a whole lot, and heaven knows others would say this is her responsibility.
She's strong.
She's tired of fighting.
But I will still not let someone influence someone so amazing in the way that you do.
You know if I say one word to those who decide, you'd be gone.
Credibility with them, bud, is something that she has, I have...you don't have.
So don't push me.

I'm done holding my tongue every single time I drop Baby off.
I'm done.
They are doing fantastic.
Don't you dare do anything to screw that up.