Here's to Love

To life. To hope. To peace.

Pain lasts only a while. When you find the source of the pain, your whole life changes for the better. 

I had lost all hope. Hope in humanity. Hope in the ability of people to give selflessly. I know I hurt so many people, and it was in retaliation to the hurt I had inside.

Hurt that comes from never feeling unconditionally loved by anyone other than my Jesus. Being mad at God. Feeling totally drained. Feeling attacked. Feeling like my own friends were never willing to sacrifice for me what I was willing to sacrifice for strangers. Feeling like I could never even ASK for what I needed. And not wanting to look 'high and mighty' for thinking these things. But they were/are real. And once I could verbalize them, I realized that there really ARE people out there willing to go the distance. People who love to serve and love and KNOW that they might get hurt along the way, but serve anyway. People that I understand, and people that love me right back.

strangers that literally loved me SO MUCH, so tightly, that I had no choice but to heal...even when I wanted to run away.

Faith moves mountains....

I hurt so many people. And I'm sorry.

But when you give, you do eventually get back. I am so blessed!!!

Incredible

How understanding changes your world.

I may not be able to change it, but at least I 'get' it. And that is so incredible!

There is incredible good in this. In me. In this world. And I finally understand why others don't 'get' it.

Celebration. I love Africa.

On an unrelated note:
Inspired by the work of our transplant surgeon at my work, I have decided to join the humanitarian donor crowd. Join me as I start this journey to become one of Iowa's only so-called 'altruistic living liver donors', and I hope you will consider donating LIFE as well. There are so many people in need and we have the power to save them! Get involved. Get active. Get going. Stop 'thinking' and start 'doing'. Abandon safety and fear of getting hurt. Love recklessly.

It starts with us.

What a difference a year makes,

It has been, like, forever since I've posted here. I've nearly forgotten about this blog.
Well...not really.
Honestly, I just didn't know what to write.
My pain was so much greater than I had words for, and even greater than I could understand.

I look back at where I was a year ago and think:
"Wow."
And I have no other words for it. Just wow.

I went from satire to comedy,
childless to a 'mother',
a college student to....well, a college student in a different setting, haha.
An eating-disordered 21-year old who worried so much about her own problems that I could not see focusing on them was hurting me...
And those around me.
(I dealt with my inner demons, but I also learned that when you wallow in your issues, you make them worse).
I'm still trying to make right my wrongs.
To fill the final voids in my life where people used to be. And should be.

Now my days are work and homework.
Inching towards starting a non-profit.
Patients admitted, patients discharged.
People dying. People laughing. People thanking. People throwing...
(Gee, I would just LOVE it if you would throw your bed pan at me because you are unhappy. Thanks ;)

From chasing myself to chasing new friendships...and old.
A small town to a large city.
Caring for myself versus Barbies and lullabies, life lessons and "I want to wear my purple dress today! And my sparkle shoes! And my necklace! And my pink hair bow!"
She twirls around saying "Don't I look pretty?"
I'm exhausted, but I can't help but smile. 
I never thought I could love someone so much!
And yet, my God loves her so much more than even I.

I realized that if I was truly going to claim I love & forgive people like Jesus does, I have to start living like it.
Action>Inaction.
Forgiveness won.
I made friends with the kid who raped me when I was 15 (I never told anyone).

I discovered that when you really love everyone, sometimes you get hurt.
People don't understand you.
But you take the hurt that loving the world brings, rely on those who lift you up.
And love anyway.

Compassion comes from the Latin 'cum passio' meaning 'with suffering.
With suffering, Christ loved me; with suffering I care for others.

I went from discord in my soul caused by a nation that values independence over community.
From someone who thought she disliked people
To someone who rebuilt her trust in humanity and loves all.
From a closed off heart to heart-on-my-sleeve
Receptive. Honest. Open.

To ubuntu. To friends who live ubuntu.
It's from going to not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel
To knowing the light is always there.
HERE'S TO HOPE.

~~~~~
Also, check out my blog from my travels in Africa. I am just starting to get them uploaded to Blogger although I returned to the States in September...;). I hope to return to Tanzania with Sheri Krumm and represent Empower Tanzania again later this year.

http://theadventuresofkindrainafrica.blogspot.com/

Utter loss of words

How dare you say that you understand who I am when you are fixated on who I have been? When you haven't been around to know? How dare you tell me what love is and what love isn't without giving me time to explain to you where I went wrong? My heart is still my heart. Beautiful. Unique. Filled with love you don't understand. Twisted by my struggles. How dare you claim to know what I've been through, what I know, what I understand or do not? What's shocked me. What I've learned. Because my real reaction is forever hidden from you. And you'll never understand why. You've not truly seen; you've not truly looked. How dare you claim things that you don't know? Because my heart aches to tell you you are wrong. You are so wrong. You see the tip of the iceberg, not what lies beneath. What anger, what sadness. Misinformed on another friend, attacking what isn't there. I draw further away from you. And yet, your grandfather dies and I long to comfort you. Your friend, I sob for Because my soul comprehends what it is like. But you don't see, you don't hear. You're blinded by anger and expectations, and I'm the mouse on your never-ending wheel. Tears stream because I am out of ideas because you'll never open your eyes. Book- you see black and white. Book- I see grey. Each time you shut down further, so did I. No communication= no chance in my heart. You shut down the only pathway my heart had to healing in regards to you. Who pities who? I'm lost in a river of sadness I dare not continue to paddle in. I'll drown and be lost forever. I must move on live in the truth & the hope & the life even if you will not. I must go. I must be long, long gone. (But I still love you, and I still miss you). I must follow His lead. Goodbye.

In His hands

Lord, help me to trust in You.
In the prayer that was given for me just two weekends ago,
My new friend held me tight.
She offered a prayer so deeply moving I could literally feel You moving in the rain.
She spoke of the image of a hand, Your hand, holding me.
She told me that however many times I tried to jump from Your hand, run from it, deny Your name, whatever else a human could do,
You would still be there.
STILL BE THERE!
Her timing was perfect, and so was Yours.

10,000 times I've run,
100,000 more I will again.
And each time, You come at me with the same amount of forgiveness and mercy.
Grace, healing, acceptance, LOVE.
This is too great for me to fathom!
Help me to afford this to others as You have done for me.
Help me to let go of the past and give new life each time, as you have done for me.

Forgive, trust, hope, love,
Grace unending.
And unending, and unending, and unending.
Forever.
10,000 times.

In spite of all you still don't understand

I still forgive.
Still, still, still.
I still afford you trust and love and kindness.
And grace and mercy and everything I have.
I want you to see me grow!

Lord God, please give me strength. More strength than I've ever asked for before.
Matched only by what I asked for in 2005.
For five and a half years I asked for strength, for hope, for forgiveness and peace.
When it finally came, it set me free.
How wonderful that day was!
I cried out with joy; my heart was made new.
So why now, Lord, must I sit here crying out with all I have?
If you told me you would burst forth & reveal so strongly that it would 'rattle [another's] bones, why do I hurt worse than ever before?

Like an amputation.
A great loss.
Oddly, painfully, hauntingly familiar.
"Welcome to February 17th, 2005- The Sequel!"
Or so it feels.
The sequel is every bit as horrible as the original.
I want to destroy this movie.

I trust You, I trust You...

It's unsettling

When you discover what you thought about someone isn't exactly true.
You forgive, forgive, accept their explanation of "I'm just not that way". And that satisfies you.

Then you find out the truth:
That's not how I am [towards you].
Defensiveness, excuses.
Things you do to help and go above and beyond the call of duty get thrown back in your face.
You feel like you're the only one admitting to your flaws as you watch them dance around theirs.
It's not the people in their life, its that they treat those people with more respect and love and genuineness than they do you.
It's heartbreaking.
But all they have to offer is defensiveness, excuses.

You forgive, you forgive, you realize people aren't always congruent with what they say they are. Part of being human. But when it gets to the point where not possessing the qualities they claim happens more often than not, you see people for who they really are.

Grief.
Grief.
But perhaps, then, you grieve for someone that never really existed in the first place.

Yep.

Ah, to be understood

To be loved for who you are.

The pot is calling the kettle black.
I wish you understood that I work very differently from you.
I listen to my friends give other explanations and wish you could hear their earnest thoughts.
You dont realize that your own insecurities affect how you see mine.
You need so much to be your own person that your actions have raised eyebrows.
This whole thing...is not just about me.

I've always believed at some point that you have to just not care what some folks think. I just never wanted to have to draw this line with you...but who knows my own heart better than me?

The people who truly know it encourage it. They praise when you criticize. They nod in agreeance while you shake your head in disapproval. The only people you have to show are those who do not know. You can think what you want and that's fine. I will still value you for the many other things that you do! But who did you think I would listen to?

Your choice is to accept the differences or continue to harp.

I seek to know and you won't share. Give it a chance or of course every thought will be tainted. I've grown weary of fighting for things I shouldn't have to fight for.

Let me do me and quit trying to change it. I made that mistake with you once. You shouldn't have to.

I still love you.

You have no idea

The joy I feel when I see how far you've come.
When I hear you're doing well.
There's nothing better I could've asked for, my dear.
And I know you see the love we have for you.
You have at least three friends who think the world of you, as odd as a bunch we may be.
The professor, the other doctor, the mother.
We wanted and still want the very best for you.
Keep going, sweets
Because no words I could ever say to you express the elation I feel for you right now.

When you think "this is better", I whisper under my breathe "it's not enough"
It hurts to have to give in,
To feel unfulfilled, to miss.
But that's what I do, ya know? Sometimes, that's what loves does...
Give in. Even when its not your ideal.
But I cultivate what else I have, that which I love.
And there is soooo much that I love, whom I love.
And whatever else I don't, I try to smile anyway, because I know soon it'll be gone.
It'll all be gone.
And I don't have time for interruptions and regrets.
I am split in thought between knowing the things I will always hold,
And knowing that I'm all I will ever have, in the end.

So I turn around and around trying to fill my cup
Until this world stops spinning around.
Until I find what I'm searching for,
Whatever form it may come in.
Learning, trying, starting, ending.
Learning, growing, leaving, catching.
Loving. Yes, most of all, loving.

Misunderstanding

sucks.
Don't close off.
Just talk to me.
You say things about me that have little merit.
You are judging when you claim that's what you hate most.
Look at yourself.
Don't close off.
Just talk to me.
And actually listen.
I may not always agree with you, but it doesn't mean I didn't hear you.
I'm not always right,
But that doesn't always mean you were ever right in the first place.
Listen to me.

There's a point where you realize

That sometimes you have to break the rules.
And I'm glad that we did.
For if we hadn't,
I'm not sure you would be here today.
Now I'm set to be in your wedding.
Tears fill my eyes.
I smile.
No matter what I have to defend, here is my example,
Here is my answer when you will ask:
In the end it was worth everything.

Thorns can turn to roses

Reversed like patterned antique lace.
Like ribbon that turns and weaves and winds in all directions
Chaotic at times and jagged at the edges
Until it all comes back together again.

In the end, we are who we are.
Like what we like, dislike what we dislike.
Don't force things about yourself unless you really, really want to be a certain way.
It's as simple as that.

It is only You that knows.
And who You are and what You have planned is far greater than I can ever imagine.
Help me to trust you with all I have.

Tomorrow

It'll have been 6 years.

I could say my heart hurts, because it does.
But that doesn't come close,
And I've stopped trying to explain,
To outwardly say...
Because I can't.
And nobody knows except us.
In the end, you are where you have been for the past 6 years.
And that is in me.

So today, I have no words.
Only love.
Lots and lots of love
And I know there are giggles buried underneath all the other crap,
I remember them.
Just as I always have.
Just as I always will.
Love you, Butterfly.

My list

One of the greatest things I believe in is giving back.
It comes from my very soul; the Lord has put it there and I cherish it deeply!
"As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace"- 1 Peter 4:10.
Be strong in the Lord, for He is good.
And He wants to do good THROUGH you.

So I made a list of all the things I am doing and some I still have planned that give back.

1.) Traveling to Tanzania in the fall of 2012 to help build/start a hospital (probably my favorite of the list)
2.) While it is my job, I play a role in helping children learn and grow in who they are at the local daycare. I swear, with over 30 two-year-olds present some days, that job is really one part 'teacher' and one part 'mother'
3.) This coming summer, I am blessed to have been asked to be a mentor to the college students leading a high school leadership institute. Basically, I am a mentor to the mentors (ok, how cool is that???)
4.) I want to foster a child.
5.) I want to adopt from an impoverished country.
6.) I have sponsored a child in Africa.
7.) I want to start an orphanage in Africa at some point in my life.
8.) I have volunteered at a hospital.
9.) I worked with the Chrysalis Foundation to help develop leadership skills in high school students.
10.) I chose my career because the very nature of it allows me to help others.
11.) I plan to work with the American Red Cross as a volunteer medical practitioner to help in the event of a disaster.
12.) When I have kids, I believe in the importance of volunteering in their classrooms.
13.) I also think volunteering at church is important. Maybe I will be one of those people that visits the elderly at home. I love the smiles on their faces...it just makes their day.

What do you think? Can you do better? I challenge you to one up me. I hope you can!

Royal Model Management

Quite literally owned my life for several years. I spent every weekend in Chicago, training, prepping, perfecting. I wouldn't trade those times or the people I met for anything! Finally, after months upon months of hard work we boarded a plane for our long-awaited trip to LA,only to get stranded at the airport, then flown to Texas for the night without our luggage, and ended up finally arriving in LA the morning of opening ceremonies(talk about stress!). That afternoon I had my first event, along with several other representatives of our agency. While I can't remember specifically what acting event it was, we had to perform well despite the chaos of the morning, despite the craziness....in front of over 3,000 people. Including top talent agents from all over the world. I remember being scared out of my mind, panicky with doubt & anticipation. Was I going to be good enough? How were we to perform well when inside we were still scrambling for our footing? I remember one of my coaches, Mr. Mattix, grabbing me by the shoulder and spinning me around. Staring into my eyes, a quiet grin emerged from the corners of his mouth. "Did you come all this way, do all this work, to let some people you tell YOU how good YOU are, who YOU are?"

This struck me.

Here is this guy who it's his whole job to make me look good for these people, and he's telling me to hell with what they say?

But then I realized, it's not about impressing them. They don't have the power...we do. Without us, they can't do THEIR jobs. Without us, they are pretty much just watching Masterpiece Theatre. So be strong in who you are, what you believe, what you do. Whoever likes it will like it, whoever doesn't...well...won't. Take it or leave it. Flaws and raw and all. Just be you.

I recited one of Mr. Mattix's favorite quotes in my head as I now stepped onto the stage with confidence...

All your life you are told the things you cannot do.
All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough.
They will say you're wrong to do this, to act like this, to achieve this.
THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless.
All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly.
AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES.

The most beautiful things

Come from Heaven,
Not from a store.

2009- "I wish he would marry me..."
2010- "Will you be in my wedding?"
2011- "Our twins are here!"

You're our superhero.
We love you!

Some things

Are better left unsaid.
What others don't know
Doesn't hurt them.

Sometimes I need to learn to...
Turn off the light
Don't make a sound
Shut out the cricket
Erase.
Or at least pretend to.

Because all that comes from sharing
Is having someone else get hurt
...because of me
And that look they get, that look that twists and turns
Makes me regret having said anything in the first place

So I do what I always do...
Turn off the light
Don't make a sound
Shut out the cricket
Erase
Hush
And fight with my own sword
Rather than burdening another's
Because of all things I hate, its selfishness
It's making someone fend for what you can do yourself
Without dragging them into the mess
The shrapnel

Sometimes it really is best to speak of butterflies
When you see storm clouds and lightning
Because hey, it makes life easier for them at least
It should be that way for someone
Even if its not me
Sometimes, that's my gift, you see
Having you not have to deal with me
So at least you can live in peace

Hush little baby,
Don't say a word
Go chase your own mockingbird.

I love discussions with my roommates

Tonight we were talking about independence.
One of the girls said she feels guilty asking her parents for money to buy pizza, because she is capable of working more.
(Dear Lord, she sounds like me!)
And it's true, we are big girls now.
In this house, we fight for and earn.
We are not handed.
We buy our own food, do our dishes, clean our house, pay our bills.
We don't call home when something goes wrong;
We figure it out ourselves.
And we are proud of it.
I dislike this society that says it's alright for someone over the age of 18 to continue to leech off of their parents.
(And I'm not saying any of us are particularly good at this,
Because we still have much to learn too.)
Anywhere else in the world, this would be unacceptable.
Why do we continue to pretend we aren't capable?
God gave us hands to work.

Climb the ladder...
Step it up a bit.
How many times does the Bible emphasize the importance of hard work?
I'd say plenty.
Let's go!