It's unsettling

When you discover what you thought about someone isn't exactly true.
You forgive, forgive, accept their explanation of "I'm just not that way". And that satisfies you.

Then you find out the truth:
That's not how I am [towards you].
Defensiveness, excuses.
Things you do to help and go above and beyond the call of duty get thrown back in your face.
You feel like you're the only one admitting to your flaws as you watch them dance around theirs.
It's not the people in their life, its that they treat those people with more respect and love and genuineness than they do you.
It's heartbreaking.
But all they have to offer is defensiveness, excuses.

You forgive, you forgive, you realize people aren't always congruent with what they say they are. Part of being human. But when it gets to the point where not possessing the qualities they claim happens more often than not, you see people for who they really are.

Grief.
Grief.
But perhaps, then, you grieve for someone that never really existed in the first place.

Yep.

Ah, to be understood

To be loved for who you are.

The pot is calling the kettle black.
I wish you understood that I work very differently from you.
I listen to my friends give other explanations and wish you could hear their earnest thoughts.
You dont realize that your own insecurities affect how you see mine.
You need so much to be your own person that your actions have raised eyebrows.
This whole thing...is not just about me.

I've always believed at some point that you have to just not care what some folks think. I just never wanted to have to draw this line with you...but who knows my own heart better than me?

The people who truly know it encourage it. They praise when you criticize. They nod in agreeance while you shake your head in disapproval. The only people you have to show are those who do not know. You can think what you want and that's fine. I will still value you for the many other things that you do! But who did you think I would listen to?

Your choice is to accept the differences or continue to harp.

I seek to know and you won't share. Give it a chance or of course every thought will be tainted. I've grown weary of fighting for things I shouldn't have to fight for.

Let me do me and quit trying to change it. I made that mistake with you once. You shouldn't have to.

I still love you.

You have no idea

The joy I feel when I see how far you've come.
When I hear you're doing well.
There's nothing better I could've asked for, my dear.
And I know you see the love we have for you.
You have at least three friends who think the world of you, as odd as a bunch we may be.
The professor, the other doctor, the mother.
We wanted and still want the very best for you.
Keep going, sweets
Because no words I could ever say to you express the elation I feel for you right now.

When you think "this is better", I whisper under my breathe "it's not enough"
It hurts to have to give in,
To feel unfulfilled, to miss.
But that's what I do, ya know? Sometimes, that's what loves does...
Give in. Even when its not your ideal.
But I cultivate what else I have, that which I love.
And there is soooo much that I love, whom I love.
And whatever else I don't, I try to smile anyway, because I know soon it'll be gone.
It'll all be gone.
And I don't have time for interruptions and regrets.
I am split in thought between knowing the things I will always hold,
And knowing that I'm all I will ever have, in the end.

So I turn around and around trying to fill my cup
Until this world stops spinning around.
Until I find what I'm searching for,
Whatever form it may come in.
Learning, trying, starting, ending.
Learning, growing, leaving, catching.
Loving. Yes, most of all, loving.

Misunderstanding

sucks.
Don't close off.
Just talk to me.
You say things about me that have little merit.
You are judging when you claim that's what you hate most.
Look at yourself.
Don't close off.
Just talk to me.
And actually listen.
I may not always agree with you, but it doesn't mean I didn't hear you.
I'm not always right,
But that doesn't always mean you were ever right in the first place.
Listen to me.

There's a point where you realize

That sometimes you have to break the rules.
And I'm glad that we did.
For if we hadn't,
I'm not sure you would be here today.
Now I'm set to be in your wedding.
Tears fill my eyes.
I smile.
No matter what I have to defend, here is my example,
Here is my answer when you will ask:
In the end it was worth everything.