Utter loss of words

How dare you say that you understand who I am when you are fixated on who I have been? When you haven't been around to know? How dare you tell me what love is and what love isn't without giving me time to explain to you where I went wrong? My heart is still my heart. Beautiful. Unique. Filled with love you don't understand. Twisted by my struggles. How dare you claim to know what I've been through, what I know, what I understand or do not? What's shocked me. What I've learned. Because my real reaction is forever hidden from you. And you'll never understand why. You've not truly seen; you've not truly looked. How dare you claim things that you don't know? Because my heart aches to tell you you are wrong. You are so wrong. You see the tip of the iceberg, not what lies beneath. What anger, what sadness. Misinformed on another friend, attacking what isn't there. I draw further away from you. And yet, your grandfather dies and I long to comfort you. Your friend, I sob for Because my soul comprehends what it is like. But you don't see, you don't hear. You're blinded by anger and expectations, and I'm the mouse on your never-ending wheel. Tears stream because I am out of ideas because you'll never open your eyes. Book- you see black and white. Book- I see grey. Each time you shut down further, so did I. No communication= no chance in my heart. You shut down the only pathway my heart had to healing in regards to you. Who pities who? I'm lost in a river of sadness I dare not continue to paddle in. I'll drown and be lost forever. I must move on live in the truth & the hope & the life even if you will not. I must go. I must be long, long gone. (But I still love you, and I still miss you). I must follow His lead. Goodbye.

In His hands

Lord, help me to trust in You.
In the prayer that was given for me just two weekends ago,
My new friend held me tight.
She offered a prayer so deeply moving I could literally feel You moving in the rain.
She spoke of the image of a hand, Your hand, holding me.
She told me that however many times I tried to jump from Your hand, run from it, deny Your name, whatever else a human could do,
You would still be there.
STILL BE THERE!
Her timing was perfect, and so was Yours.

10,000 times I've run,
100,000 more I will again.
And each time, You come at me with the same amount of forgiveness and mercy.
Grace, healing, acceptance, LOVE.
This is too great for me to fathom!
Help me to afford this to others as You have done for me.
Help me to let go of the past and give new life each time, as you have done for me.

Forgive, trust, hope, love,
Grace unending.
And unending, and unending, and unending.
Forever.
10,000 times.

In spite of all you still don't understand

I still forgive.
Still, still, still.
I still afford you trust and love and kindness.
And grace and mercy and everything I have.
I want you to see me grow!

Lord God, please give me strength. More strength than I've ever asked for before.
Matched only by what I asked for in 2005.
For five and a half years I asked for strength, for hope, for forgiveness and peace.
When it finally came, it set me free.
How wonderful that day was!
I cried out with joy; my heart was made new.
So why now, Lord, must I sit here crying out with all I have?
If you told me you would burst forth & reveal so strongly that it would 'rattle [another's] bones, why do I hurt worse than ever before?

Like an amputation.
A great loss.
Oddly, painfully, hauntingly familiar.
"Welcome to February 17th, 2005- The Sequel!"
Or so it feels.
The sequel is every bit as horrible as the original.
I want to destroy this movie.

I trust You, I trust You...

It's unsettling

When you discover what you thought about someone isn't exactly true.
You forgive, forgive, accept their explanation of "I'm just not that way". And that satisfies you.

Then you find out the truth:
That's not how I am [towards you].
Defensiveness, excuses.
Things you do to help and go above and beyond the call of duty get thrown back in your face.
You feel like you're the only one admitting to your flaws as you watch them dance around theirs.
It's not the people in their life, its that they treat those people with more respect and love and genuineness than they do you.
It's heartbreaking.
But all they have to offer is defensiveness, excuses.

You forgive, you forgive, you realize people aren't always congruent with what they say they are. Part of being human. But when it gets to the point where not possessing the qualities they claim happens more often than not, you see people for who they really are.

Grief.
Grief.
But perhaps, then, you grieve for someone that never really existed in the first place.

Yep.

Ah, to be understood

To be loved for who you are.

The pot is calling the kettle black.
I wish you understood that I work very differently from you.
I listen to my friends give other explanations and wish you could hear their earnest thoughts.
You dont realize that your own insecurities affect how you see mine.
You need so much to be your own person that your actions have raised eyebrows.
This whole thing...is not just about me.

I've always believed at some point that you have to just not care what some folks think. I just never wanted to have to draw this line with you...but who knows my own heart better than me?

The people who truly know it encourage it. They praise when you criticize. They nod in agreeance while you shake your head in disapproval. The only people you have to show are those who do not know. You can think what you want and that's fine. I will still value you for the many other things that you do! But who did you think I would listen to?

Your choice is to accept the differences or continue to harp.

I seek to know and you won't share. Give it a chance or of course every thought will be tainted. I've grown weary of fighting for things I shouldn't have to fight for.

Let me do me and quit trying to change it. I made that mistake with you once. You shouldn't have to.

I still love you.

You have no idea

The joy I feel when I see how far you've come.
When I hear you're doing well.
There's nothing better I could've asked for, my dear.
And I know you see the love we have for you.
You have at least three friends who think the world of you, as odd as a bunch we may be.
The professor, the other doctor, the mother.
We wanted and still want the very best for you.
Keep going, sweets
Because no words I could ever say to you express the elation I feel for you right now.