I've realized

~The people who understand me always have, and I have always understood them.
~I ultimately know who I am. I know why I am on this earth. And I’m already fulfilling that purpose. I have much more work to do.
~The world runs off of volunteers, and if I don’t take my head out of ‘me’, I’m not really doing much good.
~So many people on this earth need help…in whatever form that comes in.
~Seeing as I have no real responsibilities besides school work, I feel as if I should give back whenever possible.
~God is love. It is such a simple concept, and yet, no description on this earth would more accurately come close to describing His nature.
~I love big cities and the life you can always find in them.
~My idol is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and coincidentally, I am often told that I am a lot like her (actually, I think that’s why I first started watching)
~Most of the time, I’d rather speak my mind and say what needs to be said than hide behind a synthetic veil of politeness
~I can see everything in my goddaughter’s eyes.
~I often make instant connections with people. These are my closest friends.
~If I love you, you can have everything. If I trust you, I will tell you absolutely anything. However, I don’t trust people easily. You must earn it.
~If it matters to you, hold onto it. If it doesn’t matter or stops mattering, let it go.
~Hard work and perseverance are the keys to almost anything.
~Behind the clouds, there is always sunshine :)

To my light

To the people who, in the past few weeks, have reminded me of I am when I forget-thanks.

Miss Purple- Who inspires my work ethic & walks beside me in it. Who never ceases to make me laugh. Who I can spend forever and a half with and never get bored. Who is so much a part of my life that you are coming to my Christmas and I am going to your family's. My sister.

Outdoorsman- Who loves every bit of me, even the parts I wish he wouldn't. Who loves God with his life. Who shares my vision, my drive, my love of giving back to the world but also of speaking my mind. I adore you. We draw closer each day. Dare we say...we hope to continue drawing close for life.

Mama Tanzania- Who very quietly studies her life away all day at doctor school for the greater good with her trusty sidekick, Roxy (or maybe you are the sidekick?). Who shows kindness and tenderness and understanding that I can't help but listen to; I can't help but love. And by the time the sun rose in Georgia, we were bonded closer than either of us had ever guessed we could be.

Thanks.
I love you.

Priorities

It's quite funny
How some things we don't hold on to.
We wish them away.
We dread the thought of another day,
making countdowns til the end...
because these things never really mattered to us in the first place.
They were necessities,
stepping stones to where we were headed.

And yet...

Other things that are important are cherished.
Every moment is a gift;
I unfortunately had to learn this a long time ago.
Wishing for even a minute of it back,
Drawing out every moment,
Nurturing it like a child cupping her hands around a tiny flame,
Holding onto every last moment before the fire burns out.

So the saying goes...
"You do not truly know great love until you know great loss".
I believe this is true.
Loss also comes in many forms.

And yet...
I still believe I have much to learn.

Conflicting emotions

I am torn so much with you.
On one hand, for Heaven's sake, I just met you.
On the other hand, I have yet to hear a single word come out of your mouth that could not have just as easily come out of mine.
I'm sure we have our difference somewhere...but wow.
It's strange.
I want to pour my heart out to you,
but I want to keep it safe as well.
This whole thing is new, and yet strangely familiar to me.
I finally gave in and told you...
only to realize you have been through much the same.

It's way to soon to be talking about rings...
People are telling me to jump in or stay back as I see fit.
"Things are different when you meet this way, 6 months or a year is okay..."
But my reservations are still here.
I mean jeez, finding someone to potentially spend your life with is stressful.
You say you are committed to this. I am too.
And yet, I remain cautious.
But still, there is always this little voice in me asking,
"Could this really be it?"

Time will tell. And so...we press on.

Home is where the heart is

I spent the morning with some of my favorite people ever.
We can talk for hours, share laughs, and share life.
They are in their fifties. And truth be told, I've never felt more comfortable around people as I have with them.
I have always related to people who are older than me better than those my own age.
Luckily, this is true for the majority of my good friends as well.

I also went shopping today with a friend that is recently engaged.
I find it much easier to talk about what kitchen tools to buy & what different family members are in need of this year & cooking than talking about normal college things.
I don't know why...but it's always been that way. It's odd knowing that you don't 'fit', that you were meant to be more than what you are now. Thankfully, when I am home at least, I am reminded that I am not alone. And it feels SO GOOD. I'm not alone. My God truly is an amazing God to put the people in my life that He does.

"College is just a stepping stone", my older friends say.
"It will end soon."
"People will leave college and have this sudden period of maturing..."
Life will never be butterflies and rainbows; its never going to be exactly as I dreamed and I understand that, but I will find a place where I feel more at home. More like I belong there.

I am grateful for all that God is given me. But I have always, always felt Him calling me to have a family & to serve both in my community and throughout the world.

An elderly long-term substitute teacher once smiled at me in high school. He leaned in close to me, takes a deep breath, and whispers "I know a secret. You are going to be a wonderful wife & mother. It's who you are. I feel it." I had known this man only a few weeks, and I'm positive he had no idea how much I wanted a family someday.

I never forgot that moment. Thanks, Paul.

I have realized

The importance of surrounding myself with people who work hard.
People who don't take the path of least resistance.
People who, when handed a challenge, will raise you one step higher...or five.
People who are active, involved.

Many times I feel busy with school work.
And then I realize...I've got it WAY EASY.
I miss volunteering.
I miss being surrounded by people who work with everything they have.

God does not hand us anything; God makes us work for it.
So if you are sitting back saying "God will plan your life for you, it will all work out", I disagree.
I think God will sit back and say "I gave you the tools you need, why are you sitting back and waiting for ME to do something?"

You will get somewhere in life if you make something of yourself.
If you don't take the easiest route.
If you set your hands hard to work. If you take yourself out of the equation every once in a while when you feel like whining about how hard you're already working.

Because someone else needs your help.
So quit whining, Kindra, and go put your hands to work in Tanzania.
Build that well, treat those people, and remember what you were born to do.
And don't let anyone tell you different.

I'm absolutely convinced

The best people in the world live here.

Wading through creeks,
Catching fireflies,
Barefoot in the gentle wind
Praising God at night.

Walks & runs,
Walmart & Togs,
Wet sand & rolled-up jeans,
With giggles of delight.

Hours of mourning,
Talks of healing,
Reaching for the distant hope
When things just aren't right.

Drives in the country,
Reflection & love,
Laying on the Lily floor
Our futures are out of sight.

Coffee, juice, beer, tea,
Oh, you make me smile!
God must have this in His plan,
For your love brings me light.

<3 K, E, L, A, J, K, S, A, C...and many more.

You are not

Supposed to be a savior.

This does not fall on you.
I know you think it does, but it doesn't.

I don't know how to make you see,
You're doing the same things I did, I am.

"I know that I've got issues,
But you're pretty messed up too.
Either way, I've found out,
I'm nothing without you." :)

I don't know

What I would have done without you.
And my three dark-haired angels.

I have known you for such a short time.
By accident, really.
You made me realize things I never would have realized on my own.
And for that, I am so grateful.
So grateful.

Others tried to no avail.
I appreciate their effort more than they know, but what worked was you.
Your insight came from experience.
You've been through so much.
You saw the big picture, not the little ones making it up.
You made me see things from a different perspective.

You call me intelligent, resilient, knowledgeable, attractive, driven.
You know WHY I am as I am...and you embrace it, respect it.
You see that I'm not close-minded, I just know exactly what I believe.
Because I've seen enough to know what does not matter.

You say I comprehend things others never will.
I don't know.
But I sure hope so.

You appealed to the people-loving side of me.
And you understand where I come from, what makes me tick.
I make sacrifices.
I am not centered around myself.
Maybe I make too many sacrifices, but sacrifices...that's okay.
You understand; get it.

I'm not an idiot.
I'm not doing the things I find fundamental in the wrong way.
Maybe there are some things I am doing wrong, I get that. I'm working on it.
But I still know how I am.
And in that way, I'm still the person I knew when I was ten.

I'm changing little things, not who I am.
You are the first one to ever truly suggest that.
Thanks for sparking the fire.
I'm gonna kindle it the best way I know how.

Its called spiritual demons...

And yes, I believe in them.
I believe they are all around us.
Call me crazy.

Inside they open & break & bend.
And sometimes they grow.

They break out.
Shackles won't chain this now.
Spinning around.
Fire & flame.
...Why?

Red hands, red feet.

Splinters. Rocks. Darkness.
I can't run any faster!

I trusted you.

Confusion,
Frustration,
Lack of words,
Betrayal.

Heaven knows I love you, sweet baby lamb.
Your pink mischief just has me wrapped around your little fingers.
I'm yours.

Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy, dizzy.

Sorry, but I have to draw the line.
Have to draw that line.
Enough.

Now if you can wait til I get there...
Just wait.
Please.

Red hands, red feet.

Sometimes that only makes it worse.

Flesh, blood, life.
Once you were there, now you are here -> <3

Labored.
Fast.
Hell walks.
Hell RUNS.

I'd give my life for yours.

Red hands, red feet.

Heart on my sleeve.

How come every step you take leaves blood on the floor behind you?

Where to go, where to go?...

Come back.
Here.
Now.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

Where have you gone?
Where have I gone?

Cross in hand, hand on my heart.

Red hands, red feet.

I'm gonna lay down right next to you.

Fruit loops & geometry. What a combo.

I need you here tonight...
Even though I don't know what it'd do.
I just want to know you're here.

"If you can just wait til I get home,
I swear we can make this last."...

Red hands, red feet.

Beneath the surface

So much hides.
Eyes shift sideways,
Hands nervously fidget.
You're not the only one, girl.

The weight of the world is not your burden alone.
Look around; there are hands reaching out
So that your burden may be lessened.

Don't worry,
There's nothing you can say or do,
Nothing that can make support run.
It's always gonna be here...believe it.
I won't leave you.
Promise.

Inside you, there's strength you don't even know you have.
A tiny spark...
will light a candle...
Which will turn into a flame...
That will light a forest fire.
A fire that destroys...
So that everything can be made new.

I'm learning so much from you.

Gotta get out

I feel held back.

Like the world is in my way.
Like the world does not understand what's really in my heart...
SERVICE. PASSION. LOVE.

My heart is full of such desire.

People mean everything to me...and I know some amazing ones.

I want to go do something that makes a difference.
Something I can put all my soul into,
Through good times and bad.
Even when sticking with it sucks.
And I'm gonna give it all to God when I do it.

Someday I'm gonna be free, Father... :)

I wish you could see

How beautiful you really are,
...and you are.

I'm glad you can tell me; you know I won't judge you. Your open-ness is admirable.

It's really cool have close we've gotten so fast.
...and I mean, really, really fast.
I can tell you anything. I hope you feel the same about me.

This whole thing, yeah, it's a little screwed up.
But don't we all have shackles?
Aren't we all like that?

I don't care what time it is, what's on my to-do list, or what people think.
I don't. Neither does he. Or she.

I'll always be here for you. Always.

I love you.

Broken-ness

is not always a bad thing.

Wisdom & advice that you give to others means a heck of a lot more if you have actually walked through that fire yourself.

You can say, "Hey, I've been there."
"I understand."
"Let me walk with you now."
"Let's beat this together."

Struggles make you who you are.
They are essential to your very life- force.
To your perseverance.
To your testimony.
To your ability to help others.

Don't shy away from them...face them full force.
Don't avoid struggles...they build character.
Most of all, don't sweep them under the rug...wear them proudly.
You just may help someone else in the process.

Don't worry what others may think.
You are beautiful.
You were created in the image of God.
And he rejoices over you. YOU.

Embrace the hardships.
....now go.

Every little girl

Should have the opportunity to grow into a strong, confident woman.

Good self-esteem is a RIGHT! I wish to help everyone find it.

I'm so excited about these girls we will be working with in my service trip this week.

May God guide our voices, our hands, our feet, our Bibles...and my awesome kids' mat-type piano.

Diakonia= servant leadership. Step up, step down, step behind and give support to someone else to learn to fly.

There have definitely been people who totally revamped major aspects of my life; People that were patient when I was set on my ways and didn't wish to budge. And then something amazing happened...I changed my mind. For the better.

If I can inspire that change in some aspect of someone else's life, you betcha I am going to do it.

Pay it forward, it'll go 'round and 'round and 'round...

C'mon, spring...

I want to go running!

I love the feel of my heart pounding in my chest,
Hair whipping around in the warm spring air,
Sand in my shoes 'cause I stop to dance in the river,
The sweat washing off in its cool luster.

And of course, it's great for the cardiovascular system, bones, and muscles.

Yee :)

More & More

I'm learning that worrying gets me nowhere.
Especially when it's about myself.
And lately, I'm becoming less tolerant of those who care about little but themselves.

"Love is...not self-seeking."- 1 Corinthians

When you are long gone and your bones have turned to dust, people will remember what you did for others, not what you sought for yourself.

You don't need a special occasion.
If you see someone needs help carrying books or washing dishes, you have an able body, do you not? Does care need an occasion?

Turn your thoughts to yourself, you have a whole lot of anxiety.
Turn your worries to others, yeah, you still get anxiety...but you also get productivity.
You get helping hands.
You get hope.
And you'll kiss many boo-boo's and give out a lot more Band-aids.
Most importantly, you'll tease smiles from otherwise sorrowful faces.

That's the greatest gift of all.

Hehe

I hope to always carry this spirit around with me.

Goofy-ness, adventurousness, random-ness.
Pretty much a lot of -ness's.

Don't mind me if I do back flips at a formal dinner or sing during a silent moment at church.

Throw away your dignity, you will be so much happier without it.

2.17.05

I wrote this for you.
We love you.
<3 Kinny

Lately

All I've wanted to do is sing.

I show up to Anatomy lab sometimes with drum sticks still in hand,
Make random percussive noises in the walkways,
Jam with friends for hours on end,
Yes, I even dance in my room.

Something about music is so intrinsic to my soul.
It's like my drug.
Especially when I sing to God.

Perform once and the hunger comes back.
Stronger, stronger!
Until every part of me just...releases.

So glorifying, so catalytic.
Freeing.

Come away with me.

Cheeeeeeeze!

I miss my puppy.

Can't wait to have that house full of cats, dogs, and kids that I've always dreamt of.

And I want to sing. Somewhere. With a band. Or whatever. If anyone at the Burg is game, let's do it.

Today is a random day, did ya get that? ;)

Don't feel so alone

People love you.
Don't mind those who don't.

It's not your fault.

Sometimes I wish I could take it all away,
but nothing seems to help.

Come curl up in warmth;
you can tell me.

I just hate seeing you like this.

Names, names, names

So many of you know I love, love, LOVE names.

I have kept a running list of names for my future children since I was 12. No joke.
(Isabella was my top girl name, that ended up being used on my lovely poochie, Zoie Isabella).

ANYWAY,

New year, new list.
Or at least a revised one.

Cassandra
Lorelei
Lyla Kate
Coraline
Everley nickname Eve
Vera

Elias
Leo
Henry
Oliver
Jonah/Jonas
Isaiah
Rowan

And if I ever adopted from Africa and had a child who could pull it off, I'd have either a Kasinda or Malachi :)

Word.

Believe in callings

They are real.

Not long ago, I would have laughed at anyone who said certain people were made to do certain things, that they were called by God.

No longer; I believe.

I am here to teach. To impACT lives. To help & mother in any way that I can. To work through health care, through missions, through music.

Maybe at some point do something out of the ordinary.
Minister in a third-world country.
Adopt an African child.
Sing in a traveling band.
You never know.

By using my voice,
my heart,
my hands.

Of course I have fear.
Of course sometimes I don't think I am good enough.
Of course sometimes I think it's too far-fetched.
Unattainable.
Too expensive, too lengthy.
I do know the limits, of course. I've got my head on straight.

But don't we all wish we could fly?

Here's a secret:
We all have crazy dreams.
The people that have the courage to follow them are the ones that everyone else envies.

Let's get lost

I don't care where.

Although someplace warm would be nice.
Let's be missionaries in Africa,
Or South America...
Or Ireland :)

Relinquish your belongings, as Jesus once spoke of.

Where has our sense of adventure gone? I never want to lose it.

Grab your suitcase.

(BTW, I am a brand new Religion Major. Yee!)

Time marches on

...I don't know why or how, but it always does.
Every event in your life will soon be in the past, good and bad.

But I hate this part.

Our friend is gone, buried, and now everyone has to just...go on.
Back to work, back to class.
Find a new normal.
And that's hard.

I was talking with a friend last night and she reminded me how much we really need mental health awareness programs. How we get ourselves so wrapped up in everyday life. And what're among the first things to get put on the back burner?

Faith, relaxation, reflection.

People who are missing Jesus in their everyday life
may be happy, but not elated.
Fulfilled, but not captivated.
Have joyful lives, but not eternal bliss.

It's not always easy to see the difference, but it is there.

Shall we change this hectic lifestyle? Stop putting the better things on the back burner?

Indeed.

And we have to start now.

Fly Away

So many emotions, all in one.

Why has this come again?
Why has a cold, dark hand reached up to smite those who are good?
Sinners, yes, but in the end, good.

Some very small part of me wants to hate you,
But I just can't. Not one bit.
All I have for you is grace and forgiveness.
Empathy for you pain, sadness for our loss...and lots of forgiveness.
As I can only imagine this is how Jesus sees it as well.

May you fly away to somewhere the rest of us can only imagine.

You have a precious, gorgeous child.
I don't understand how you could leave her, but I know you love her very much.
And you always, always will.

She knows you are with her, stay with her. Comfort her. Watch her grow. She needs you.

Have fun with all of our lost up there, we love and miss you all terribly.
...but we know a new day will come for all of us someday.

And Lord, keep our fists ready for battle against the Evil One.
We are a body, and we must not lose any more.
We will help each other up when we fall.
...we have to. HAVE TO.

Rest in peace, Scotty.

Keep holding on

Because you know we'll make it through.

There's no other way when it comes to the truth.

Keep holding on...

It's strange

God works in such weird ways.

Who'da thunk getting stranded in a random Super 8 due to thick fog would end with a meeting that will change our entire worship experience at Wartburg?

We all threw our hats in,
Let's draw up a plan.
Done.

So random. And yet so needed.

Love. Period.

Jesus Joy is the best.

Lately, I have had some really enlightening conversations with people.
They made me think.

Why do we wait for the world to validate who we are, when we should be turning to God?

Why are we so quick to respond to anything containing the word "alcohol" or "sex", but when someone quotes the Bible, we stumble & stutter?

What is it like to not be a Christian? So many "Christians" are the type that go to church only on holidays and claims to believe...with no action. No convictions.

Wake up, world!
I promise, there is joy waiting just for you!

Shackles

"Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance.
I just wanna praise you...I just wanna praise you!"

Stop this battle.
Heal our salted wounds from the chains and ropes that cut and tear.
Alas, you never fail.

I'm taking off all those chains because You broke them, destroyed them.
All that baggage we carry...gone.

I just wanna praise You!

My soul whispers

that there is a child waiting somewhere in the world to call me "Momma".

Genetics have little importance.

She will come.
He will come.

Africa has always been alluring. Every flicker of light in me finds it fascinating. Reaching. Drawing. Calling. I must explore it. Soon.

Hang on, Momma's coming.

School

is such a safe place.

Here we explore, we create, make new.
All is well.

But what will happen when we venture away?
When we graduate, join the daily grind?

Yes friends, the Wartburg Bubble does exist.

But is there a way to carry adventure into adulthood?

I've been thinking more & more about doing missions work. Not for a living, just for a few years after school & whenever I am able to in my life.

I find it difficult that I must live & work in the same place for years upon years.

...but maybe I don't have to.

Let your hair down. Take off your shoes. Explore. It's okay to jump between careers, places of living, and interests in life. Let your hair down.

Carry the spirit of childhood with you in that way.

Let go.
Let go.
Let go.
Let God.