It has been, like, forever since I've posted here. I've nearly forgotten about this blog.
Well...not really.
Honestly, I just didn't know what to write.
My pain was so much greater than I had words for, and even greater than I could understand.
I look back at where I was a year ago and think:
"Wow."
And I have no other words for it. Just wow.
I went from satire to comedy,
childless to a 'mother',
a college student to....well, a college student in a different setting, haha.
An
eating-disordered 21-year old who worried so much about her own
problems that I could not see focusing on them was hurting me...
And those around me.
(I dealt with my inner demons, but I also learned that when you wallow in your issues, you make them worse).
I'm still trying to make right my wrongs.
To fill the final voids in my life where people used to be. And should be.
Now my days are work and homework.
Inching towards starting a non-profit.
Patients admitted, patients discharged.
People dying. People laughing. People thanking. People throwing...
(Gee, I would just LOVE it if you would throw your bed pan at me because you are unhappy. Thanks ;)
From chasing myself to chasing new friendships...and old.
A small town to a large city.
Caring for myself versus Barbies and lullabies, life lessons and "I want to wear my purple dress today! And my sparkle shoes! And my necklace! And my pink hair bow!"
She twirls around saying "Don't I look pretty?"
I'm exhausted, but I can't help but smile.
I never thought I could love someone so much!
And yet, my God loves her so much more than even I.
I realized that if I was truly going to claim I love & forgive people like Jesus does, I have to start living like it.
Action>Inaction.
Forgiveness won.
I made friends with the kid who raped me when I was 15 (I never told anyone).
I discovered that when you really love everyone, sometimes you get hurt.
People don't understand you.
But you take the hurt that loving the world brings, rely on those who lift you up.
And love anyway.
Compassion comes from the Latin 'cum passio' meaning 'with suffering.
With suffering, Christ loved me; with suffering I care for others.
I went from discord in my soul caused by a nation that values independence over community.
From someone who thought she disliked people
To someone who rebuilt her trust in humanity and loves all.
From a closed off heart to heart-on-my-sleeve
Receptive. Honest. Open.
To ubuntu. To friends who live ubuntu.
It's from going to not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel
To knowing the light is always there.
HERE'S TO HOPE.
~~~~~
Also, check out my blog from my travels in Africa. I am just starting to get them uploaded to Blogger although I returned to the States in September...;). I hope to return to Tanzania with Sheri Krumm and represent Empower Tanzania again later this year.
http://theadventuresofkindrainafrica.blogspot.com/
