Here's to Love

To life. To hope. To peace.

Pain lasts only a while. When you find the source of the pain, your whole life changes for the better. 

I had lost all hope. Hope in humanity. Hope in the ability of people to give selflessly. I know I hurt so many people, and it was in retaliation to the hurt I had inside.

Hurt that comes from never feeling unconditionally loved by anyone other than my Jesus. Being mad at God. Feeling totally drained. Feeling attacked. Feeling like my own friends were never willing to sacrifice for me what I was willing to sacrifice for strangers. Feeling like I could never even ASK for what I needed. And not wanting to look 'high and mighty' for thinking these things. But they were/are real. And once I could verbalize them, I realized that there really ARE people out there willing to go the distance. People who love to serve and love and KNOW that they might get hurt along the way, but serve anyway. People that I understand, and people that love me right back.

strangers that literally loved me SO MUCH, so tightly, that I had no choice but to heal...even when I wanted to run away.

Faith moves mountains....

I hurt so many people. And I'm sorry.

But when you give, you do eventually get back. I am so blessed!!!

Incredible

How understanding changes your world.

I may not be able to change it, but at least I 'get' it. And that is so incredible!

There is incredible good in this. In me. In this world. And I finally understand why others don't 'get' it.

Celebration. I love Africa.

On an unrelated note:
Inspired by the work of our transplant surgeon at my work, I have decided to join the humanitarian donor crowd. Join me as I start this journey to become one of Iowa's only so-called 'altruistic living liver donors', and I hope you will consider donating LIFE as well. There are so many people in need and we have the power to save them! Get involved. Get active. Get going. Stop 'thinking' and start 'doing'. Abandon safety and fear of getting hurt. Love recklessly.

It starts with us.

What a difference a year makes,

It has been, like, forever since I've posted here. I've nearly forgotten about this blog.
Well...not really.
Honestly, I just didn't know what to write.
My pain was so much greater than I had words for, and even greater than I could understand.

I look back at where I was a year ago and think:
"Wow."
And I have no other words for it. Just wow.

I went from satire to comedy,
childless to a 'mother',
a college student to....well, a college student in a different setting, haha.
An eating-disordered 21-year old who worried so much about her own problems that I could not see focusing on them was hurting me...
And those around me.
(I dealt with my inner demons, but I also learned that when you wallow in your issues, you make them worse).
I'm still trying to make right my wrongs.
To fill the final voids in my life where people used to be. And should be.

Now my days are work and homework.
Inching towards starting a non-profit.
Patients admitted, patients discharged.
People dying. People laughing. People thanking. People throwing...
(Gee, I would just LOVE it if you would throw your bed pan at me because you are unhappy. Thanks ;)

From chasing myself to chasing new friendships...and old.
A small town to a large city.
Caring for myself versus Barbies and lullabies, life lessons and "I want to wear my purple dress today! And my sparkle shoes! And my necklace! And my pink hair bow!"
She twirls around saying "Don't I look pretty?"
I'm exhausted, but I can't help but smile. 
I never thought I could love someone so much!
And yet, my God loves her so much more than even I.

I realized that if I was truly going to claim I love & forgive people like Jesus does, I have to start living like it.
Action>Inaction.
Forgiveness won.
I made friends with the kid who raped me when I was 15 (I never told anyone).

I discovered that when you really love everyone, sometimes you get hurt.
People don't understand you.
But you take the hurt that loving the world brings, rely on those who lift you up.
And love anyway.

Compassion comes from the Latin 'cum passio' meaning 'with suffering.
With suffering, Christ loved me; with suffering I care for others.

I went from discord in my soul caused by a nation that values independence over community.
From someone who thought she disliked people
To someone who rebuilt her trust in humanity and loves all.
From a closed off heart to heart-on-my-sleeve
Receptive. Honest. Open.

To ubuntu. To friends who live ubuntu.
It's from going to not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel
To knowing the light is always there.
HERE'S TO HOPE.

~~~~~
Also, check out my blog from my travels in Africa. I am just starting to get them uploaded to Blogger although I returned to the States in September...;). I hope to return to Tanzania with Sheri Krumm and represent Empower Tanzania again later this year.

http://theadventuresofkindrainafrica.blogspot.com/