You have no idea

The joy I feel when I see how far you've come.
When I hear you're doing well.
There's nothing better I could've asked for, my dear.
And I know you see the love we have for you.
You have at least three friends who think the world of you, as odd as a bunch we may be.
The professor, the other doctor, the mother.
We wanted and still want the very best for you.
Keep going, sweets
Because no words I could ever say to you express the elation I feel for you right now.

When you think "this is better", I whisper under my breathe "it's not enough"
It hurts to have to give in,
To feel unfulfilled, to miss.
But that's what I do, ya know? Sometimes, that's what loves does...
Give in. Even when its not your ideal.
But I cultivate what else I have, that which I love.
And there is soooo much that I love, whom I love.
And whatever else I don't, I try to smile anyway, because I know soon it'll be gone.
It'll all be gone.
And I don't have time for interruptions and regrets.
I am split in thought between knowing the things I will always hold,
And knowing that I'm all I will ever have, in the end.

So I turn around and around trying to fill my cup
Until this world stops spinning around.
Until I find what I'm searching for,
Whatever form it may come in.
Learning, trying, starting, ending.
Learning, growing, leaving, catching.
Loving. Yes, most of all, loving.

Misunderstanding

sucks.
Don't close off.
Just talk to me.
You say things about me that have little merit.
You are judging when you claim that's what you hate most.
Look at yourself.
Don't close off.
Just talk to me.
And actually listen.
I may not always agree with you, but it doesn't mean I didn't hear you.
I'm not always right,
But that doesn't always mean you were ever right in the first place.
Listen to me.

There's a point where you realize

That sometimes you have to break the rules.
And I'm glad that we did.
For if we hadn't,
I'm not sure you would be here today.
Now I'm set to be in your wedding.
Tears fill my eyes.
I smile.
No matter what I have to defend, here is my example,
Here is my answer when you will ask:
In the end it was worth everything.

Thorns can turn to roses

Reversed like patterned antique lace.
Like ribbon that turns and weaves and winds in all directions
Chaotic at times and jagged at the edges
Until it all comes back together again.

In the end, we are who we are.
Like what we like, dislike what we dislike.
Don't force things about yourself unless you really, really want to be a certain way.
It's as simple as that.

It is only You that knows.
And who You are and what You have planned is far greater than I can ever imagine.
Help me to trust you with all I have.

Tomorrow

It'll have been 6 years.

I could say my heart hurts, because it does.
But that doesn't come close,
And I've stopped trying to explain,
To outwardly say...
Because I can't.
And nobody knows except us.
In the end, you are where you have been for the past 6 years.
And that is in me.

So today, I have no words.
Only love.
Lots and lots of love
And I know there are giggles buried underneath all the other crap,
I remember them.
Just as I always have.
Just as I always will.
Love you, Butterfly.

My list

One of the greatest things I believe in is giving back.
It comes from my very soul; the Lord has put it there and I cherish it deeply!
"As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace"- 1 Peter 4:10.
Be strong in the Lord, for He is good.
And He wants to do good THROUGH you.

So I made a list of all the things I am doing and some I still have planned that give back.

1.) Traveling to Tanzania in the fall of 2012 to help build/start a hospital (probably my favorite of the list)
2.) While it is my job, I play a role in helping children learn and grow in who they are at the local daycare. I swear, with over 30 two-year-olds present some days, that job is really one part 'teacher' and one part 'mother'
3.) This coming summer, I am blessed to have been asked to be a mentor to the college students leading a high school leadership institute. Basically, I am a mentor to the mentors (ok, how cool is that???)
4.) I want to foster a child.
5.) I want to adopt from an impoverished country.
6.) I have sponsored a child in Africa.
7.) I want to start an orphanage in Africa at some point in my life.
8.) I have volunteered at a hospital.
9.) I worked with the Chrysalis Foundation to help develop leadership skills in high school students.
10.) I chose my career because the very nature of it allows me to help others.
11.) I plan to work with the American Red Cross as a volunteer medical practitioner to help in the event of a disaster.
12.) When I have kids, I believe in the importance of volunteering in their classrooms.
13.) I also think volunteering at church is important. Maybe I will be one of those people that visits the elderly at home. I love the smiles on their faces...it just makes their day.

What do you think? Can you do better? I challenge you to one up me. I hope you can!